David,
It has been one week and one day since you died.
I have been looking through pictures, and replaying memories in my mind day after day.
I have realized I have few pictures of you, even fewer of both of us. There are many of Curtis, but not many of you.
When I sleep at night I dream of saving you, as a time traveler, pushing the truck off your body and calling for help. This happens again and again. Sometimes, I meet you on the cliff overlooking the sea, and we just sit there, and watch the waves, or take a walk through the redwoods, silently.
There are so many things that were left unsaid, and now, I cannot say them. The opportunity has passed, and I have failed to communicate how I feel. The feelings are a ball in my stomach. I remember when you called just a month ago, to see if mom and I were home. You said you loved us. Mom said we loved you too. You said you'd come over for dinner, but it never came to pass. I was looking forward to it. It had been a long time.
When I think of you, I think of when we were kids- Summers in the Ozarks, playing in the creek by grandpa and grandmas house. I remember once we came across a water snake, or an eel. We all hurried up the bank, Curtis first, and then you. I had trouble making it up. Even then I was a chunky kid. But you waited for me, and you helped me up the steep incline, and let us know if anyone fell in, you would go down to help them.
Out of all 3 of us, I figured you would be the one who would succeed. You were good with math and science, finished high school a year early. You had ambition, you liked working hard and getting sweaty. The payoff of seeing a hard goal completed was reward enough for you to do almost anything.
When I had heard you started drinking heavily, I was surprised. You had always had self moderation in everything else you did. You promised me that you never got into pills or inhalants like Curtis did. I looked up to you. But I guess it was all too much. I wonder how or why it started. I guess it doesn't matter now, and I know I will never get the answers I want.
I miss you, David. You will always be my brother and always be in my thoughts.
krh
