Saturday, January 12, 2013

It seems so unreal.
That you were here months ago and now you are gone.
I'm really not sure what to do. I feel like the universe is laughing at our misfortune.
I just want to do something. Anything. I feel helpless in the situation.
I don't want to forget you. I don't want to forget what you look like, or what you sounded like, or how you acted.
I also am afraid to talk about you. About how you died.
People are judgmental when it has nothing to do with them.
They question about you wearing a seatbelt.
They question about you drinking.
Those things don't matter, anymore.
No matter what is said you will still be gone, and things will still be the same, and I will still be siting here
Wondering why the universe let you die under that truck.
Wondering why at 22 you had to disappear and get no more chances at fixing your mistakes.




I've thought about calling Curtis. Even though he doesn't like me much, I would miss him too if something happened.

I've thought about talking to Darell too. So fast it was that he was my dad and then he wasn't.
All but 5 years of my life he was my dad. But I guess he didn't feel the same.
Clearly.
Not a word from him since the divorce. Once he figured out he couldn't use me to keep mom.

It makes me think back to that magazine article written about him. Little interview or something for employee of the month in the company magazine.
He mentioned having two sons, David and Curtis, and a wife.
I was never mentioned.

I admit I was always kind of jealous of you.
You were smart, athletic, attractive. You were friendly and quiet and laid back.
All qualities I wished I had.
At night my head is filled with thoughts about how I wish I could have been in your place.
You deserved another chance, and I keep thinking about all the wasted potential,
all the people hurt and filled with loss because of your death.


Some parts of me are angry. In a completely irrational way. I keep thinking someone should have went after you. They knew you had been drinking. They should have looked for you when you said you were going to cut wood, followed you to make sure you weren't going to hurt yourself.
Or at least began to search after you failed to answer your phone.
I know it isn't their fault. I know. But when I think about it, my body begins to tighten and a rock forms in my stomach and I just wish I could have been there.
I wish I could have saved you because you are my brother and I miss you.
We all miss you.

I'm just not sure anymore what to do.
I feel so lost.

I miss you, David.