It seems so unreal.
That you were here months ago and now you are gone.
I'm really not sure what to do. I feel like the universe is laughing at our misfortune.
I just want to do something. Anything. I feel helpless in the situation.
I don't want to forget you. I don't want to forget what you look like, or what you sounded like, or how you acted.
I also am afraid to talk about you. About how you died.
People are judgmental when it has nothing to do with them.
They question about you wearing a seatbelt.
They question about you drinking.
Those things don't matter, anymore.
No matter what is said you will still be gone, and things will still be the same, and I will still be siting here
Wondering why the universe let you die under that truck.
Wondering why at 22 you had to disappear and get no more chances at fixing your mistakes.




I've thought about calling Curtis. Even though he doesn't like me much, I would miss him too if something happened.

I've thought about talking to Darell too. So fast it was that he was my dad and then he wasn't.
All but 5 years of my life he was my dad. But I guess he didn't feel the same.
Clearly.
Not a word from him since the divorce. Once he figured out he couldn't use me to keep mom.

It makes me think back to that magazine article written about him. Little interview or something for employee of the month in the company magazine.
He mentioned having two sons, David and Curtis, and a wife.
I was never mentioned.

I admit I was always kind of jealous of you.
You were smart, athletic, attractive. You were friendly and quiet and laid back.
All qualities I wished I had.
At night my head is filled with thoughts about how I wish I could have been in your place.
You deserved another chance, and I keep thinking about all the wasted potential,
all the people hurt and filled with loss because of your death.


Some parts of me are angry. In a completely irrational way. I keep thinking someone should have went after you. They knew you had been drinking. They should have looked for you when you said you were going to cut wood, followed you to make sure you weren't going to hurt yourself.
Or at least began to search after you failed to answer your phone.
I know it isn't their fault. I know. But when I think about it, my body begins to tighten and a rock forms in my stomach and I just wish I could have been there.
I wish I could have saved you because you are my brother and I miss you.
We all miss you.

I'm just not sure anymore what to do.
I feel so lost.

I miss you, David.

It's been hard for me to write lately.
I know that I miss you, because it's hard for a moment to go by without thinking of you.
But I feel a bit empty, really.

We found out that girl you were with was not pregnant. I was really hoping she was. I think your mom and Curtis were too.

I can't find meaning in why someone like you should have to die, it feels so unfair. Your 22nd birthday is in 28 days. I want to do something- but I don't know what to do.

I feel like there is no one I can talk to about you, about how much I miss you, and the things you liked, or the unfairness of your passing. I know were weren't all that close recently, but you were always my favorite brother.

I feel a sinking feeling when I think about you coming to see us, and us being gone. I wonder if it would have changed anything. I know it probably wouldn't have, but even the smallest things can have grand effects.

I feel alone lately. Mom is distant, I feel like no one wants me around. I have been spending more time than usual online, but even those I talk to online seem to be distancing themselves from me. I think they just have too much to deal with in their own lives. I feel so alone though, it's like a bottomless hole. I wish I didn't feel this way, and I know that it's not due to anything they've done.

Nana had surgery yesterday, she is doing well. I was really worried I was going to lose her too. I'm not sure what I would have done if that would have happened.
Today I went to see her, and she was doing well. She was eating solid food, and asked who dead antwood was xD (She meant Die Antwoord of course, and she wanted to see one of their videos).

I wish I could write you a song, though I've not really learned how to do sheet music. Perhaps I could record one. I want to remember you, and do something so that I don't forget. I worry about forgetting, sometimes.

I think Curtis is doing a little better. I'm not really sure. It's hard for me to talk with him. He never really liked me, and I think he never really thought of me as family. Maybe you didn't either, I don't know, but at least you were kind to me. Kailha has talked to him a bit, I'm not sure why he finds it easy to talk with her, but I don't ask questions like that because I worry about him too. I don't want him to commit suicide and I really think there is a chance he would.

I bet Andy and Chelsea miss you too. I know they knew you better than I did- but I guess I just forgot about them because I never saw them.

I guess I don't know what to say. :/

Oct 15

David,

It has been one week and one day since you died.

I have been looking through pictures, and replaying memories in my mind day after day.
I have realized I have few pictures of you, even fewer of both of us. There are many of Curtis, but not many of you.

When I sleep at night I dream of saving you, as a time traveler, pushing the truck off your body and calling for help. This happens again and again. Sometimes, I meet you on the cliff overlooking the sea, and we just sit there, and watch the waves, or take a walk through the redwoods, silently.

There are so many things that were left unsaid, and now, I cannot say them. The opportunity has passed, and I have failed to communicate how I feel. The feelings are a ball in my stomach. I remember when you called just a month ago, to see if mom and I were home. You said you loved us. Mom said we loved you too. You said you'd come over for dinner, but it never came to pass. I was looking forward to it. It had been a long time.

 When I think of you, I think of when we were kids- Summers in the Ozarks, playing in the creek by grandpa and grandmas house. I remember once we came across a water snake, or an eel. We all hurried up the bank, Curtis first, and then you. I had trouble making it up. Even then I was a chunky kid. But you waited for me, and you helped me up the steep incline, and let us know if anyone fell in, you would go down to help them.

Out of all 3 of us, I figured you would be the one who would succeed. You were good with math and science, finished high school a year early. You had ambition, you liked working hard and getting sweaty. The payoff of seeing a hard goal completed was reward enough for you to do almost anything.

When I had heard you started drinking heavily, I was surprised. You had always had self moderation in everything else you did. You promised me that you never got into pills or inhalants like Curtis did. I looked up to you. But I guess it was all too much. I wonder how or why it started. I guess it doesn't matter now, and I know I will never get the answers I want.

I miss you, David. You will always be my brother and always be in my thoughts.

krh