It's been hard for me to write lately.
I know that I miss you, because it's hard for a moment to go by without thinking of you.
But I feel a bit empty, really.

We found out that girl you were with was not pregnant. I was really hoping she was. I think your mom and Curtis were too.

I can't find meaning in why someone like you should have to die, it feels so unfair. Your 22nd birthday is in 28 days. I want to do something- but I don't know what to do.

I feel like there is no one I can talk to about you, about how much I miss you, and the things you liked, or the unfairness of your passing. I know were weren't all that close recently, but you were always my favorite brother.

I feel a sinking feeling when I think about you coming to see us, and us being gone. I wonder if it would have changed anything. I know it probably wouldn't have, but even the smallest things can have grand effects.

I feel alone lately. Mom is distant, I feel like no one wants me around. I have been spending more time than usual online, but even those I talk to online seem to be distancing themselves from me. I think they just have too much to deal with in their own lives. I feel so alone though, it's like a bottomless hole. I wish I didn't feel this way, and I know that it's not due to anything they've done.

Nana had surgery yesterday, she is doing well. I was really worried I was going to lose her too. I'm not sure what I would have done if that would have happened.
Today I went to see her, and she was doing well. She was eating solid food, and asked who dead antwood was xD (She meant Die Antwoord of course, and she wanted to see one of their videos).

I wish I could write you a song, though I've not really learned how to do sheet music. Perhaps I could record one. I want to remember you, and do something so that I don't forget. I worry about forgetting, sometimes.

I think Curtis is doing a little better. I'm not really sure. It's hard for me to talk with him. He never really liked me, and I think he never really thought of me as family. Maybe you didn't either, I don't know, but at least you were kind to me. Kailha has talked to him a bit, I'm not sure why he finds it easy to talk with her, but I don't ask questions like that because I worry about him too. I don't want him to commit suicide and I really think there is a chance he would.

I bet Andy and Chelsea miss you too. I know they knew you better than I did- but I guess I just forgot about them because I never saw them.

I guess I don't know what to say. :/

Oct 15

David,

It has been one week and one day since you died.

I have been looking through pictures, and replaying memories in my mind day after day.
I have realized I have few pictures of you, even fewer of both of us. There are many of Curtis, but not many of you.

When I sleep at night I dream of saving you, as a time traveler, pushing the truck off your body and calling for help. This happens again and again. Sometimes, I meet you on the cliff overlooking the sea, and we just sit there, and watch the waves, or take a walk through the redwoods, silently.

There are so many things that were left unsaid, and now, I cannot say them. The opportunity has passed, and I have failed to communicate how I feel. The feelings are a ball in my stomach. I remember when you called just a month ago, to see if mom and I were home. You said you loved us. Mom said we loved you too. You said you'd come over for dinner, but it never came to pass. I was looking forward to it. It had been a long time.

 When I think of you, I think of when we were kids- Summers in the Ozarks, playing in the creek by grandpa and grandmas house. I remember once we came across a water snake, or an eel. We all hurried up the bank, Curtis first, and then you. I had trouble making it up. Even then I was a chunky kid. But you waited for me, and you helped me up the steep incline, and let us know if anyone fell in, you would go down to help them.

Out of all 3 of us, I figured you would be the one who would succeed. You were good with math and science, finished high school a year early. You had ambition, you liked working hard and getting sweaty. The payoff of seeing a hard goal completed was reward enough for you to do almost anything.

When I had heard you started drinking heavily, I was surprised. You had always had self moderation in everything else you did. You promised me that you never got into pills or inhalants like Curtis did. I looked up to you. But I guess it was all too much. I wonder how or why it started. I guess it doesn't matter now, and I know I will never get the answers I want.

I miss you, David. You will always be my brother and always be in my thoughts.

krh